Marriages, though comforting and life-long, are also incredibly hard, which is why divorce has become relatively common these days, and with good reason, helping both partners move on from an unhappy marriage, and (hopefully) find someone who is more suited to them. However, what happens when a couple decides to not ‘divorce’, yet stay under the same roof, without the fighting? This is known as Quiet Divorcing. Let’s learn more…What is Quiet divorcingQuiet divorcing is when a couple stays legally married, and often lives under the same roof, but they have already emotionally “divorced” from each other. The couple did not receive any official separation documents, because they never went to court for their divorce announcement.In a quiet divorceBoth the partners share the same living space, while they need to combine their funds to pay for all household costs.Parent children together.Go on family trips, or attend events as a couple.Might maintain the image of a perfect family in front of friends and family.However, on the flip side, the couple stops expressing their emotions to each other, while they also abandon their habit of creating future plans and their efforts to resolve their conflicts. Their relationship transformed into a rule-based system which required them to complete important tasks, instead of preserving their romantic connection.Quiet divorce vs. silent divorceThe two divorce terms “quiet divorce” and “silent divorce” have the same definition yet they create different outcomes.Silent divorce (or emotional divorce): The couple stays legally married and lives together in the same home, yet they exist in different emotional states which block their ability to experience intimacy and have important talks.Quiet divorce: Sometimes refers to couples who actually do get legally divorced, but they do it quietly, without drama, public fights, or social media posts.In regular life, “quiet divorcing” to describe when married couples maintain their legal union, but each spouse lives in their own emotional space.Signs of a quiet divorceHere are common signs that a couple is quietly divorcing:No real conversationsThe discussions between partners always focus on household responsibilities, financial matters, child care and time management, but they never address emotional matters, personal aspirations or difficulties. People can live in the same house for several days, while avoiding any meaningful dialogue with their spouses.No emotional supportThe partner who experiences stress, sadness or excitement, fails to receive attention from their partner. You experience loneliness while being physically present with your partner.No physical or romantic intimacyThe person stops showing sexual interest, and reduces their physical contact with affection during this time. The relationship between them functions as a business partnership, rather than a romantic partnership.Living separate livesEvery person maintains their own set of friends, hobbies and daily routines, which do not intersect with others. Your daily routine would include eating at different hours while you sleep in different bedrooms, and you would spend your weekends apart from each other.Avoiding conflict (and connection)Couples who choose a quiet divorce, tend to stay away from all challenging subjects during their relationship. The two people decide to keep peace, instead of making an effort to fix their relationship.No future plans togetherThere are no shared dreams-no talk of travel, retirement, or growing old together. The relationship seems to be following a routine without any real connection.Why does quiet divorcing happen?Several things can lead to a quiet divorce:Long‑term stressThe combination of work-related stress, financial difficulties, parenting responsibilities and health problems, consumes most of a person’s energy so they have no remaining strength for their relationship. The partners lose their interest in each other, throughout the relationship duration.Unresolved conflictsThe failure to resolve minor conflicts and letdowns, will eventually create a gap, which leads to feelings of resentment between people. Instead of talking, one or both partners shut down.Changing life stagesAfter kids grow up, careers change, or major life events happen, some couples realise they’ve grown apart and no longer want the same things.Fear of changePeople choose to remain in quiet divorces because they fear experiencing loneliness and financial loss, and want to protect their children and avoid what they believe will be negative social reactions.Social media and comparisonSocial media users who see perfect relationships online, develop negative emotions about their real relationships, which leads them to take a step back, instead of working on relationship growth.What it feels like to be in a quiet divorceIn a quiet divorce, it might often feel like:Sharing a house with a strangerFeeling very lonely, even though someone physically lives with youYou present a false appearance of happiness to others, but your inner self experiences emotional numbness and emptiness.Wondering, “Is this all there is?”or “Did I make a mistake?”.Often people experience two different reactions to this situation, because some find peace from fighting, but others experience sadness, and feelings of guilt and regret. Parents face their most difficult time when they need to determine what impact their life experiences will have on their children.Can a quiet divorce be fixedBoth partners make a genuine effort to achieve relationship restoration when a relationship experiences a gradual breakdown.Steps that can help:Talk honestlyBoth partners need to sit down for emotional discussion to stop blame and shutdown while keeping the conversation open. A therapist or counsellor needs to lead the process of running these discussions.Reconnect in small waysStart with basic activities which include having dinner together, walking outside, and discussing one highlight from your daily activities. Small moments of connection can slowly rebuild closeness.Work on intimacyYou should start with small actions to restore intimacy, because you need to develop physical and emotional closeness at a speed which suits your comfort level.Decide together.Ask: Do we want to save this marriage, or are we both ready to move on? The couple should work on their relationship through mutual efforts when they want to remain together, otherwise they should consider a peaceful legal divorce, instead of enduring an extended difficult breakup.When it’s time to legally end itA divorce that remains silent for many years, will eventually become an unhealthy situation which must come to an end. If:
- There’s no hope of real connection returning.
- One or both partners are deeply unhappy.
- The relationship is affecting mental health or the kids.
- A legal divorce becomes necessary when all other options fail to work, so you should consider filing for divorce through legal channels even if you want to handle the process with dignity.
Is quiet divorcing healthyQuiet divorcing exists as an actual trend, but it does not create a sustainable future for most relationships between couples. A marriage without emotional connection will create feelings of loneliness and resentment, which negatively impact our mental health.The best way to handle this situation requires honesty, because you need to choose between working to fix your relationship, or ending it through proper and respectful direct communication.
